woman is impregnated by a rapist, “it is something that God intended to happen,” he jumped the sperm whale. No professional comedian had the imagination to come up with such tragicomic satirical concepts as those. The funniest thing is that neither Akin nor Mourdock was trying to be funny. They were simply being their ignorant selves, a pair of religious fanatics who worship a micromanaging deity that made them legitimate assholes in the first place. The good news is that they both were defeated on Election Day. The Republican presidential campaign was crystallized by “Keep the government out of my Medicare,” and the Democratic presidential campaign was crystallized by “Keep the government out of my vagina.” While Mitt Romney believes that life begins at conception, Rick Santorum believes that life begins at foreplay. He has gone way beyond his frenzied position against women’ s right to abortion. He’ s also against birth control, even though that would prevent the need for an abortion. He claims that “contraception is notokay” and that it turns sex into “simply pleasure.” He has also vowed to “ban all pornography,” even though watching porn would prevent the need for contraception. And so it came to pass that Barack Obama was re-elected. His opponent, Romney, fell to his knees and pleaded, “Oh, dear Lord, you HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_019103