boundary-setting, from safewords to checklists to keeping simultaneous journals. Aftercare is part of that boundary-setting process, but a lot of the time, people have a hard time thinking or speaking clearly right after S&M. Some people become incredibly non- verbal, or vague and confused, or giggly, or all of the above. For this reason, some people include later follow-ups (like a next-day phone call) under the umbrella of "aftercare" -- the goal is to allow the post-S&M time to be calming and un-challenging, and then talk things through when everyone's head is clearer. Processing things thoroughly after an S&M encounter is really important, especially if the people involved are planning to do it again. It's important for two reasons: it helps the people involved get a better sense of what they want and don't want; and it helps them learn more about how to communicate with their partners. Recently, I was privileged to give a partner his first heavy S&M experience. Afterwards, when he was coming out of it, he said to me: "No one has ever touched me so deeply, so fast before." I lay with him, listening. I'm pretty sure I did a good job helping him pick up the pieces, but when I try to figure out what I did, I have trouble describing it. So I wouldn't know how to give a step-by-step "how to" for aftercare, but I can offer some thoughts. For one thing, the person who was dominant during the encounter is usually the person who runs the aftercare, too. When I'm in the dominant position, the message I try to get across during aftercare is along these lines: "I'm here, I'm listening, I care about you, you're safe with me, and you can take all the time you need." In the submissive position, I'm often too busy processing to think carefully about what message I'm getting across to my partner. But sometimes I do get the sense that he's confused or anxious or needs some feedback, at which point I try to get across a message along these lines: "I care about you and I'm so grate