though... or threatening... or frustrating, like in my example above. It's complicated! However, I often see those dynamics play out in ways that the participants won't admit, no matter how much evidence comes up. I think it gets especially complicated when people experience jealousy as a sexual thing, a turn-on. Most people have a hard enough time discussing their sexuality in the first place. When you add an ingredient as controversial as jealousy, the potential discussions become that much more combustible. When I was researching pickup artists for my awesome book Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, I found a number of discussions in that community that praise competitive feelings because they're seen as making the relationship more fun. A lot of these guys say competition among different lovers within open relationships is awesome because it keeps everyone a little uncertain, and encourages them to be "on top of their game." This contrasts drastically with most polyamorous perspectives; in my experience, poly folks see jealousy and competition as things that should be compartmentalized and managed very carefully, rather than encouraged or exalted. For polyamory theorists, a feeling of safety is often the goal, as opposed to a feeling of competition. And emotional safety is certainly a concern, because jealousy is one of the most intense and overwhelming emotions out there. It's such a hard feeling to sit with and work through. My worst experiences of jealousy felt like I was choking, like I couldn't breathe, like I was sick to my stomach, like I was terribly obsessed, like I couldn't think of anything but the jealousy and how much it hurt. And yet... I've occasionally felt jealousy that was weak, almost nice, where I felt a little twinge of it and turned to my lover and got reassured... and that made me feel more safe, more cared for, more loved. The bottom line is that people experience jealousy and competitive urges in many different ways. It's important to