This post can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/09/30/storytime-chemistry/ * ok oe ok oe ok S&M: [theory] Start From A Position of Strength I wrote this post in 2011, and I wrote it carefully because I was worried that it might be interpreted as putting too much responsibility for BDSM on the submissive partner's Shoulders. To be clear, I believe that both partners have responsibilities in a BDSM situation, but I also believe that the dominant partner especially must be careful and responsive. I hope that this is a theme in all my work. I really don't ever want to encourage people to blame the victim. However, I think it's undeniable that submissive partners need a sense of themselves, as well as internal strength and resources, to do BDSM -- especially very intense BDSM. The goal of this post was to start figuring out what that means. ok A while back, I attended a workshop run by educator Sarah Sloane on the topic of BDSM and abuse. Sarah centered her workshop on a maxim that I have hereby stolen: "Start from a position of strength, and seek strength in the end.” I've been thinking about this a lot in terms of not just polyamory and BDSM, but sex in general. All types of sexuality are more pleasurable for some people, and less pleasurable for others; emotionally easier for some people, and more difficult for others. I have zero interest in telling other people how they "should" or "shouldn't" deal with their sexuality, as long as what they're doing is consensual. I want to say right now that nothing I'm about to write is intended to tell others how they "should" or "shouldn't" do S&M; it's just my own thoughts on how I might choose and process my experiences. I can certainly consent to whatever, even if that thing is problematic or scary or difficult or complicated -- I can consent. The thing is, if I want to get something amazing and positive out of my experiences, I think it's good to start from a position of strength. In some