We felt like our sexuality wasn't for us. Or at least, that's how I felt. Even though on the surface it looked like I was totally in charge of my sexual decisions, there were social pressures and expectations that made me feel overwhelmed and confused. Not always, and not all the time! But enough that there were plenty of times that I just felt like all I wanted to do was stop and be done with it... "take my body back" from a world that seemed intent on constantly telling me how I must look, how I must dress, how I must have sex. I've written about how much easier it was for me to learn how I ought to look and "perform" while having sex, than it was for me to learn what I actually wanted from sex. That, I think, is where the chastity urge came from for me. That, and the way I kept finding myself making out with guys who I had zero interest in because it was "too awkward to say no." Or the way I didn't feel like I could decide not to have sex with my boyfriends; not because I didn't think my boyfriend would listen if I said no, but because his potentially hurt feelings seemed so much more important than my bodily preferences. So many things about the way I was having sex seemed to have nothing to do with me. And if sex had nothing to do with me... then why was I doing it? I guess I wanted to reassure myself that I could take control of at least one thing: saying no. Eventually, I got a better handle on my sexual preferences and began to learn how to talk about them. It was a long process, and my sexual journey is far from over (yay!). There were people who showed me what it meant to have a low-pressure sexual relationship; there were people who made it easy for me to talk about sex; and there were other people who made it easy for me to turn them down, sexually, which was just as important. But one interesting thing during the beginning of my learning process... especially given that I now really emphasize and encourage talking directly about sex... was that I felt l