I saw an online video from sex educator Betty Dodson called "Did I Orgasm?”... and I realized that I'd been occasionally having weak orgasms already. I was also experimenting more and more with BDSM; simultaneously, I put more and more power into the hands of my fantasy men; and once I had compelling private fantasies to feed on, I couldn't help masturbating. Here was the key: initially, I'd felt that masturbating in itself involved having too much control over the situation. And that's not how my sexuality worked. Oh yes, in practice I take responsibility for my pleasure; and now I'm pretty good at clearly discussing what kind of role my partners will take ahead of time, describing what they'll do with me. These days, I sometimes take the dominant role, too. But even now, it's hard for me to come if I feel like I'm in control. On some level, even if it's the most tissue-thin fantasy, I usually have to convince my emotional-sexual self that I'm not in charge. It helps if I have an emotional connection with whoever I'm fantasizing about, too. If I don't have an emotionally involved romantic partner, I seem to automatically create BDSM-themed fantasy worlds with hilariously ornate storylines. Years ago, it never occurred to me that I couldn't reach orgasm because my internal characters weren't compelling or my plotlines weren't dramatic enough... but sometimes it's true! In my case, I believe that BDSM is the key to my sexuality. It is as close to the core of my sexual identity as I can get; close enough that, like some other BDSMers, I occasionally call it my "orientation." But I don't think BDSM is like that for everyone, and I don't even think that's the whole story with me -- because during the whole time, this self-discovery process, I was doing things like eating more regularly, keeping a healthier diet, putting some weight on my previously stick-thin frame, and exercising more. Health plays a big role in any kind of sex, and it's important to think about. Still