BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD-ON "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make!" - Bela Lugosi, Dracula (1931) Although many of the comics who opened for me went on to fame and fortune, Jon Stewart and Ellen DeGeneres surprised me (in the most positive way) by getting chosen to breath the rarified air as hosts of the world's most prestigious awards show - The Oscars. Well, second most prestigious. I was the the first comic chosen to host The Annual Adult Video News Awards Show in Las Vegas 1997. Unfortunately not one of the many talented actresses and performers appearing there ever opened up for me. Although there was one interesting incident that happened when I went back to host the following year... [ cue to cheesy flashback music and wavy dream sequence] "Dreams if they're any good, are always a little bit crazy"- Ray Charles The first time I appeared at the AVN Show in Las Vegas in 1995 I'm a little nervous making my debut in front of this well-lubed but still - very rough crowd. Why did I think they were going to be rough? Cause we're not talking regular people here. We're not talking members of the million dollar life insurance sales round table. We're talking drunk XXX double penetration pornstars, coked out spray-tanned porn producers, both alongside their lower caste brethren, the junk-stuffed flutters who'd seen, heard and swallowed everything and everyone. And as much as I enjoy my porn, I was always a bit flummoxed* by the term "Porn Actor"These guys get to bang really hot chicks without having to buy them dinner and they get PAID for it! And right after that, the broad goes home. On her own. On good terms. Wow! These guys don't seem like they're acting to me. They're having a great time and making money at the same time! How about guys like me who have to sleep with the same woman every night for well over a quarter of a century and act like the sex is new and exciting? Now that takes some acting chops. Where is